miracles do happen

It is hard to put into words all that has transpired during my blogging radio silence of the past few month.  A multitude of family and personal events that have left me overwhelmed and scrambling for footing.  In the last few weeks, the scramble has transformed into an overwhelming sense of gratitude,

After a really rough Christmas season for me emotionally, the two of us returned to real life at a full sprint.  Amid all of our daily responsibilities, we had made the commitment at the New Year to dive in whole heartedly to our fertility journey.  This meant a month of serious testing culminating in a consultation with one of our doctors.  The doctor told us that the odds of us conceiving naturally were about 2%.  IVF and surgery were in our future.  We were disappointed and relieved to hear this news.  Saddened that we could not conceive on our own, but grateful that all options were not yet closed to us.  So we scheduled the one surgery and made plans to move forward.  

A week after we received this news, at the end of January, we received more news.  Mr. F had been accepted into a prestigious MBA program at a local university.  After several years of applications, interviews, and rejections, I think we both felt relief more initially than gratitude and joy.  With the news of our fertility journey freshly in mind, we felt certain that all of the former rejections were a part of a larger Plan.  We needed to stay in Atlanta, a community that has embraced us and made us feel so at home.  A place with our doctors, our apartment, and a path to a more cost effective transition into student life.

At least this is what we told ourselves as we panicked about how we were going to make things work.  All at once it felt like we were hemorrhaging money.  Tuition, living expenses, not to mention the idea of surgery and IVF looming over  us.  We were tense and miserable during a time that should have been joyous.

About this time, I started noticing changes in my body.  With all of these external changes, I chalked up my physical changes to Depression, as I really wasn't handling things well.  Weight gain, moodiness, and extreme exhaustion.  There were days I could barely get off of the sofa I was so tired.  I felt useless because I couldn't find the motivation to get to work, a task which would significantly abate worries about finances.  No painting.  No reading.  Just worry and fatigue.

Valentine's Day weekend we took a very brief trip to Florida to visit with family.  The weekend was so needed and was really lovely.  But it was also the first time I got a good look at my body.  In the back of my mind I had been harboring the hope that I could be pregnant, a hope I so easily talked myself out of, especially after our consultation.  But seeing my reflection in a full length mirror for the first time, I could not deny that my body looked pregnant, not fat as I had told myself.

We went back to Atlanta and I could not shake the feeling that it was a baby, but could not for the life of me find the courage to take a test.  Tests always came back negative for us.  The doctor told us we couldn't conceive... it couldn't be a baby...

My mom came into town that week to help us with projects around the apartment.  We had decided to stay put in this little apartment through graduate school to save money and so I was eager to make a few changes to make it more liveable.  That Thursday we received one more piece of news from family, that isn't mine to share with you, but that news was enough to shake me out of my fear addled shell.  My mom looked at me and told me to call my doctor to find out if I was pregnant.  So I called and scheduled an appointment for midday the next day.

Mom stayed behind while Andrew and I drove to another doctor appointment.  We discussed ad nauseam what the options were if it was not a baby.  The evidence pointing towards a pregnancy was strong, but we just didn't know.  After leaving a urine sample, we sat with the doctor and rehashed all of the potential outcomes again while we awaited results.  He suggested doing more bloodwork to test my PCOS levels and see what was going on.  He left the room and Mr. F and I waited anxiously.  The doctor came back with a nurse, both of them peeping around the door, eyes brimming with mischief and tears.  "You're pregnant!" he exclaimed. "Very positive lines that you're having a baby!"  

At least, that's what I think he said.  I was in hysterical tears and Mr. F and I were embracing, holding onto each other trying to believe that what someone had told us was practically impossible was already happening.  We were having a baby!!  

The doctor did a brief exam and urged me to find an OBGYN as quickly as possible to check the health of the infant.  He estimated the growth to be at about 17 weeks, well into the second trimester.  

We cried and stumbled out of the office as all of the staff gave us hugs and tear-filled congratulations.  We barely made it into the car before we pulled out phones and began calling family.  Everyone was surprised and then instantly grateful.  Everyone exclaimed that this baby was an answer to their prayers.  We were having a baby!

Back home, we met up with my mom, who instantly teamed up with Mr. F to get to work.  They made plans to go house hunting the next day, suggested where to look for a doctor, and on and on.  Within hours, the three of us had an army of people searching for homes and doctors for our growing family.  That night I got an email from a good friend here who is also a realtor.  She sent us a stack of rental options and suggested we take a look at a townhouse.  Right after we found out Mr. F had been accepted to the MBA program, we did a walkthrough of the townhouse and fell in love with it.  The space, the proximity to campus, the hardwood floors.  Everything about it was amazing, but with just the two of us, we decided we couldn't justify the money.  We let the townhouse go.  But the email from my friend said it was still on the market, so we made an appointment to go the next day and look at it.

Well, we fell in love with it all over again.  And get this, it came BACK on the market the day we found out about the baby.  Coincidence, I think not!  So we got our application in and eagerly awaited news.  

Fast forward to today. It's been a little over two weeks since we first found out about the baby.  We had our first OBG appointment last week, where we found out everything is looking good for our beautiful baby girl! She is scheduled to come at the end of July, right when Mr. F is scheduled to begin his MBA program.  I am laying on the sofa ensconced by stacks and stacks of boxes.  We get the keys to the townhouse this weekend and will slowly begin the move over.

I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude these days.  I can see Heavenly Father's hand in our lives and it is so humbling.  We needed to stay here for school because He knew I would be nine months pregnant at the time.  We needed to stay here for an amazing program and an amazing network of family and friends.  Well, friends who are family.  People who have been praying this little girl into existence since the day we met them.  I can see His hand in the offerings of help pouring our way, in the generosity of family helping us move and established.  It is in the reduced rent rate on a place we never thought we would be able to live in.  It is in the healthy growth of a child we didn't know existed, but He took care of.  

So, while I hope to be blogging more through this whole process, I can't promise shop updates.  I will be painting, in fact I have some house portraits I should be working on right now, but it will be at a slower pace.  

And I just really wanted to thank all of you who still read this blog for your love, support, and prayers.  They have been felt, and those prayers have been answered!